When a new relationship begins, we can never know where it is heading, nor how long it will last. We would like to think that this time, he or she is “the One” and the difficulty to contain the unknown almost breaks our hearts to pieces – But we can never know for sure, can we?!
This relationship that we seek: Is it for the love of our life? For a kindred spirit? Someone who will stick with us for the rest of our lives? The yearning is engraved so deeply in us. However, it might limit our direct experience and ability to respond spontaneously, because, in actual fact, very few people ever meet their ideal soul mate – and most of us go through all kinds of relationships during different times in our lives, achieve emotional and sexual highlights, sometimes start a family. Yet, deep down, this feeling nags on: that somewhere, this person, the one who will make us feel whole again, exists.
Imagine a world without the collective paradigm of ‘We should all be searching for our other half’. A world where we would simply LIVE: What will it be like?
I feel that our greatest challenge in such a world would be this ‘not knowing’: Not knowing if I will ever feel loved, not knowing if the woman lying next to me will be the mother of my children, not knowing how long this exciting thrill that compels me to want to always be next to her will last? How long she will love me? We cannot know it all in advance.
Most of us are constructing our lives so that routines, organizations and systems would protect us from ourselves – and the need to be aware and choose our next move every single moment. We commit ourselves to a regular job, raise our families, and tie ourselves to mortgages and property holding – thus avoiding our profound drive to really live. There is indeed something very comforting in stability, in knowing what our next day will be like, and it’s something we can relax and rest in.
While it is true that our ability to construct solid economical, social and practical foundations reflects our mental health and inner balance, the questions that should arise are: Do we understand that true stability is internal rather than external? Can we take life’s jolts, when they shake our intimate relationships?
Imagine what would happen if, next time we meet a person, we would agree to include this mystery in our mutual space, and allow the feeling that anything is possible? What would it be like if we simply agreed to meet, share, celebrate, enjoy and be merry with another human being, without having to put a title over the whole experience? What would happen if we would stop looking for that ‘promised land’, and limit the potential depths possible in this encounter? If we forgot our image of what our ideal partner in love and relationship should be like?
Sometimes we meet people that go deep into our hearts, only to give us their gift and disappear. We can’t know it in advance, and our heart would quiver as it always does in a new love affairs, seeking to be fully open. If they leave, our heart would ache and it would hurt, but still, something DID happen to us: Something touched, caressed and made love to us, and taught us something about life and ourselves.
It may teach us that love is an ongoing process and that it is life itself happening, rather than any specific or pre-determined paradigm by which couples should live ‘happily ever after’.
When I observe the men and women of our time, I see the endless pursuit after a perfect image: Wedding, Children, Forever and ever… Wherever one looks, there are these ads that promise to find that ideal partner for us. In my work as a therapist I saw how these ideal images crash in so many ways… Divorces, infidelities, loneliness; so much pain is involved! Perhaps it is time to start examining the source of these images? We may realize that life has so much more to offer to us than we imagine.
Contemporary social norms choke us into believing we should be ‘like’ someone else. They prevent us from looking in and discovering our own true nature. When we agree to meet ourselves, we discover that there are infinite ways to make love with life – and being in couples is only one of them. It is not better than any other way; it only rose to the status of a divinity in a society not advanced enough to include true individuality.
Our culture continues to commemorate antiquated habits and norms, and does not allow its people the freedom to examine in depth what it is that they truly want to do every moment of their lives, discover what is right for them, what would open them and make them feel healthy and glad each and every day.
If we wish to ask, fearlessly and without guilt or shame, every moment of our lives, what would truly be right for us now – we would have to drop everything we were taught to think: all family and social expectations of us, and just be ourselves.
It may sound frightening at first, but this option is based on our own authenticity and profound connection with our true nature, and will connect us to a life of abundance and infinite creativity. In this kind of journey, we may meet a person who will go deep into our hearts and stay there forever, or we may meet many more. The single certainty of this choice is the freedom to truly be our own selves.