Yesterday, you opened up to me about the feelings of rejection and the sexual frustration you sometimes face when you desire intimacy, and I may not reciprocate.
I love you deeply, and I aim to communicate my intention to connect with the depths of your heart and your loving essence through these words.
It pains me to witness you in this state – vulnerable, sensitive, and yearning.
It holds great significance for me to experience you in this way – open, exposed, and communicative.
I appreciate your willingness to share your emotions and thoughts with me. Through your words and feelings, our connection deepens, and I recognize that your sexual frustration serves as a gateway for both of us to navigate.
Many of my friends have described the difficulty that arises at this juncture in intimate and sexual encounters, where both parties are enjoying the moment, and one desires more sexuality while the other does not. It’s an incredibly challenging situation, fraught with pain, guilt, frustration, a sense that something is amiss, and, most of all, a feeling of being stuck with nowhere to go.
I want you to know that I genuinely understand and empathize with your perspective.
It can be truly frustrating and unpleasant when sexual desire arises but isn’t fully realized.
Sometimes it manifests as physical discomfort, at times it affects the heart, and occasionally, it’s a combination of both. It’s not easy for me to grapple with the guilt that emerges during these moments, along with the confusion, helplessness, and the sense of disappointment. More often than not, I even find myself getting angry with myself, and at times, with my body and my vulva for not aligning with your desires at that precise moment.
I sense that we both converge at a common point – an internal realm of frustration and disappointment. Can you sense this common ground too?
Is there no conflict between us?
I wish for the best for both of us, I love you, I truly do.
I want to share with you that it took me many years to learn to listen to my body, my vagina, and the pleasure in my body.
Countless times, I have been in sexual situations with men when I “agreed” to have sex, even when my vulva told me it wasn’t exactly what she wanted. I got used to being silent, shocked, afraid to tell the truth, and going against what my body was telling me.
After many years of self-awareness development processes, delving into self-love, I realized that I and my vagina are one, and she is my temple. I realized that I am committed to her above all else, and I also learned that when I pay attention to her, she has her own timing for opening up and expressing sexual desire that overflows.
It seems to me that I now understand the first key, the solution, and the direction that will allow both of us to navigate the tensions that arise in these situations.
When my vagina says “no” to penetration or any other sexual contact you desire, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you, it doesn’t mean I don’t desire you, and it doesn’t mean I don’t want you. Essentially, the vulva only asks for a pause at this moment, a moment to just be.
The vulva asks that we continue to be together in these moments. Let us feel together the emotions that arise, in an embrace, in conversation, in another intimate touch.
The vulva teaches me that she just needs time. That I need time, a lot of time, time to listen, time to lovingly caress the rest of the body, time to love.
My whole body needs love time, daily, and not just in sexual situations. Let’s hold hands, look into each other’s eyes, and fall asleep in each other’s arms.
Love time, I believe, is the second key I’m learning now.
I want to ask that when I say “no” to a certain sexual expression that you desire, please don’t run away, don’t turn your back on me, and don’t get angry if possible.
Is that possible?
I want to ask that when I don’t want penetration, for example, we continue to play, be together, touch, caress, kiss, and just express love. Is that possible?
I want to suggest that we use the space of frustration as a place for connection rather than an outlet for anger.
Your sexual frustration becomes a deadlock for both of us when we don’t want to feel it, when you blame me with words or with a look that says, ‘it’s because of me,’ when I blame myself for doing something wrong, and when you think (consciously or unconsciously) that I am responsible for your sexual satisfaction. I am not. You are not responsible for mine either.
I want to be with myself and with you, with all the emotions that arise in me in these moments, with the difficulty, with the constriction, with the feeling that there’s nowhere to go when, in fact, there is always somewhere to go when we are together.
I want to ask that we not be afraid of these moments that happen.
I want to ask myself and you that the next time sexual frustration arises, we share our feelings with each other and breathe together into our bodies and everything that arises.
I believe that many times in the past, you’ve experienced rejection in the sexual space, and when this happens with me, you experience not only my rejection but also all the previous experiences of rejection that were not processed, not fully experienced, and not fully felt.
Frustration also asks for love. Let’s love it together, simply, and sincerely.
The vulva teaches me, that when she feels permission to open at her own pace, when there is no “requirement” from her to open, she simply opens on her own accord, because that is her nature – openness and devotion to pleasure.
My vagina opens herself to you and wants you inside. in her own time, in her own pace.
And it’s true, it’s not always in sync with the speed at which your penis is ready for penetration.
I feel that the time interval between the moment when you are ready for penetration, and the moment when I am ready for it, is like a bridge to cross together.
The question is how we cross it, – together -? How we include it, go through it so we meet ourselves, in it.
This is the third key. You are not alone in your frustration. I am not alone in my helplessness and confusion. we’re together. I care about you deeply.
I don’t agree to “flow with you” when my vagina doesn’t want to – because doing so will result in hurting myself, you, and our relationship.
I want to ask that we both feel the pain, together.
I know that this pain will turn into pleasure when we include it rather than project it on each other.
When we understand that pain is pain, and no one is to blame for it, we can simply meet it, feel it. we can hug, be, breathe, share, and be, be, be, together, in this moment of shared love.
The 3 keys to mediation in situations of sexual frustration:
1.Pause – Sexual frustration serves as a signal to pause. If the vulva does not want what you want, it’s an invitation to pause and be present in the moment. This is a request from myself and you.
2. Notice the Intimate Moments – During this pause, it’s not only possible but also beneficial to continue fostering intimacy. This can be achieved through various means, such as gentle touch, open conversation, caressing, exploring eroticism, and embracing sensuality.
Remember that a “no” from my vagina may actually mean, that I require more intimate, erotic, and sensual time to become fully engaged.
The need for moments of love extends beyond sexual situations and should incorporate daily acts of loving touch.
3.Togetherness – We are both in this together, I am with you, and you with me. There is no rejection or closing off; instead, there is a genuine desire, love, and presence for each other. Embrace the knowledge that we want each other, love each other, and are committed to navigating through moments of frustration together. With this kind of unity, you can work through the frustration, and it will eventually pass.
I love you, the woman at your side.
Two important clarifications:
1.These words were initially penned from a woman’s perspective to a man, for my own comfort and convenience. They can also be interpreted from a man to a woman, woman to woman, and man to man, with adjustments as needed.
2.These words come from my heart, Dorit, a woman who has been dedicated to the journey of sexual and intimate awareness for many, many years. I understand that not every individual is on the same level of awareness. My hope is that these words can resonate with women and men at various stages of awareness, acting as a bridge between the subconscious and the conscious, between the seen and the unseen layers, ultimately fostering peace and love between all genders.
I want to express my gratitude for your willingness to listen and embark on this shared journey.