In the days before the trip, I wrote a particularly revealing series of posts that was named #my_failures. It was posted in my Hebrew Facebook page Dorit Bar .
For about ten days I wrote almost every day a simple sharing from my heart about points in my life where I caused significant pain to other people.
The series received many echoes both here on Facebook and within me. The feeling was that the process of writing is healing me, I allowed my inner darkness to see light shine in the world.
When I finished writing the series of posts, I felt cleaner and ready for a nutritious journey in a distant country.
Switzerland received me with infinite love.
Everyone I met – my hosts, people on the street, a friend who hosted me with her family and of course nature itself – all without exception opened their hearts and the feeling was that I was being washed in pure water.
Switzerland is full of waterfalls, streams, lakes and rivers, water of love.
I was filled and received nourishment, strength, attention and meaning.
At a deep level the journey was a journey of dreaming – dreaming about the future, planning it, talking about it, writing it, and listening to it.
Only I know how elusive the future was until recently for me.
As long as the trauma dominated my inner life I wanted to die every day of my life. Of course I couldn’t plan the future, because I wasn’t sure I wanted to live.
The self-hatred and longing to disappear mostly ended with a sword drawn three and a half years ago on the day my subconscious opened up and I saw sexual abuse that I went through from the age of infancy to the age of seven. Until then it was repressed and I didn’t even know about its existence.
Already on that day – I felt a very deep positive change. I made a film that describes my healing.
The ability to nourish myself appeared out of nowhere.
Renewed strength along with tremendous pain went through me, and after a two-month adjustment period to the new me, I confronted the attacker.
Despite his total denial for me, the mere ability to stand in front of him healed me even more.
The healing continued, countless fragments of memories continued to emerge in the last recent years, allowing me to build an almost complete picture of my experiences.
In the last year, another leap happened – I started imagining and dreaming about the future. The future began to be meaningful to me. For the first time in my life, I started saving money, the understanding that it is good and worthwhile to dream about the future, both because it’s just fun and because that way I can plan all kinds of things and build them step by step.
It is clear to me that there is always a certain gap between what I dream or want and what happens, but that was never the point for me. The future was darkened – closed, like a kindergarten whose gate is closed. And now it’s open.
On the trip to Switzerland I allowed myself to literally fly with my dreams and share with people who are close to my heart. Its an exciting opening which is of course just the beginning of another new journey.
On one of the trips, a friend took me to meet a spring of water in a forest. The forest felt like an extremely ancient forest, with endless trees, rocks and special stones. Moist, cool and abundant with water.
At a certain point in the forest we met the spring.
The water that came out of the spring are completely pure, the ripples are round and infinitely beautiful and my feeling was that this whole part is full of fairies and a powerful magical energy.
While we were walking around the spring, at a certain moment I felt a complete identification with her. I experienced myself as an source of energy, like I got a clarity for who I am. I’ve always been like that. I have always had an abundance of energy, and of course since I started being a teacher and healer of intimate and sexual communication it only got stronger. At that moment I felt a strong resonance with who I am, as if I had met the universal principle that I resembled most.
New questions began to arise within me: What is an source? What does she need? What makes her happy? What is her role in the world?
The answers are quite simple and logical: a spring is natural, what springs from it does not come with effort, its whole function is to flow out, and trust that those who want to drink from its water will know it.
The spring needs a space to flow, and if, for example, something is limiting its movement, it is harmed. In many ways it is completely dependent on its environment to keep it sreaming and flowing.
Points for me to pay attention to: learning to give myself all the space I need so that I can continue to give, flow and share my presents.
Thank you for a journey of light, water and kindness.
Thank you for momentary and eternal friendships.
Thank you for listening to the heart that took me to another home on earth.