What is Eroticism?
Eroticism is the experience of the body and the subtle energetic space that surrounds it.
It happens in the space between breaths, in the gentle shadow that falls on the bodies approaching each other, and in the breath that inhales and exhales, warming and caressing those who move in the act of love. Eroticism is an unpredictable dance, sensitive to every nuance, both total and unbridled.
I feel that we live in an overly sexual era where eroticism has been forgotten both in the bedroom and outside of it.
Try the following ‘Touching Not Touching’ exercise:
Place your hand a few millimetres above your partner’s body, above their stomach or hand (if you’re not in a relationship, you can practice on your own body), stay in this position for a minute, and ask your partner how it feels.
Note: It is not an actual touch. But rather placing the hand with a short distance away from the body, then ask if there are any sensations. More than likely the answer will be yes, subtle refined feelings often appear.
With one handheld just a few millimetres away from the body, touch the same specific area with a “touching not touching” motion. This means touching the body part briefly and then moving your hand back to its original position with a short distance away. Alternate between touching and not touching the same spot.
Play with this type of touch with other body parts, for at least half an hour, and check what happens. It is recommended to start with external organs – hands, feet, head, neck, and back – and slowly reach more intimate areas such as the stomach, face, and genitals.
The erotic touch can be used as a means of intimate and relaxing communication prior to engaging in full sexual activity. Additionally, it can help to maintain passion and connection in a long-term marital relationship, both in and out of the bedroom.
Imagine the following scenario: your partner comes home tired after a long day at work and is resting on the couch. You sit down beside them and offer them to place their legs on your lap. They lie down in a relaxed position on your lap, and then you begin to give them a loving and intimate touch. When you feel them responding with the same energy, you can slowly expand and transition to a gentle erotic touch – touching and then not touching. Remain attentive to their reactions and adjust your pace and distance from their body accordingly.
It’s possible that after a day full of activities, you both don’t have the strength and or availability for full sexual interaction or a soulful conversation into the night. In these situations, erotic touch is a way of communication, of transmitting positive messages of affection, care, and lightness. The erotic touch may develop into full sexuality, or it may not.
What characterizes erotica more than anything else is that it has no destination; its only destination is its own existence. It does not try to achieve anything nor to get anywhere; it is a wavy form of movement that enables contact and closeness between people.
The erotic touch can also be used as a conscious foreplay. In these cases, it is recommended to experience it with partial or full nudity of both parties. One interesting way would be for one party to be the giver for a while, and then they change roles and the party who gave becomes the one who receives. There is something in the clear division of roles that is very calming for both parties and allows relaxation and devotion to the moment.
When we enter a sexual encounter, we may bring with us distractions from our daily lives or preconceived notions of what sex should be like, causing us to feel unsettled or “noisy.” Erotic touch can help to soothe and quiet our mental and emotional systems, allowing us to fully engage in a direct physical experience. Furthermore, the act of touch can help us to navigate this progression, providing a sense of connection and relaxation along the way.
From Intimacy to Erotica to Sexuality
In my experience accompanying couples seeking help with their martial and sex lives, a decrease in sexual desire over time is a common issue. To address this, I distinguish between three types of contact, I typically recommend experimenting with three types of physical touch in a specific order, gradually building up.
1st touch: Intimate Touch
Intimate touch is a type of touch that foster trust through emotional contact. It can be conveyed through deep and full hugs, synchronized breathing, meaningful eye contact, holding hands, or gentle caressing. Its purpose is to convey a message of love and provide a sense of safety, stability, and relaxation. In my opinion, it is crucial to begin a sexual encounter with intimate contact as it establishes a stable and initial connection between the partners.
2nd touch: Erotic Touch
The purpose of erotic touch is to allow a transition to a new type of communication that is playful, flirtatious, and where the body begins to dance, to respond to the implied touch of the partner. It is recommended to engage in erotic touch while partially or fully naked. The contact can start with the whole body – deliberately skipping over the intimate organs – and then you can approach the intimate organs, and skim over them with non-committal lightness after exploring the body thoroughly.
3rd touch: Sexual Contact
The stage of sexual contact is reached only after the other two types of contact have been experienced. At this point, the body is usually ready for a deeper level of intimacy and excitement because proper preparation has been made. Sexual contact is much deeper and clearer in its purpose of excitement and pleasure. If we have practiced erotic touch deeply, it is likely that the bodies will communicate with each other on their own, allowing themselves to continue playing without limitations.
It is important to pay attention to various parts of the body during sexual contact, not just the direct genitals. Maintaining eye contact is also important, and occasionally combining the two previous types of contact – erotic and intimate – can add to the experience. In the framework of sexual contact, anything is allowed, and the combination of all types of contact creates surprise and constant renewal.
Verbal communication as a bridge to intimacy
One of the disturbing phenomena I encounter among many couples is the lack of communication in and out of bed. They describe to me that they get into bed, and as if they are silent, things happen between them, but they don’t talk about them, thoughts about their spouse pass through their heads and they don’t share.
The reasons are varied among them shame, embarrassment, guilt, social and cultural habit, and sometimes also more specific psychological difficulties such as the desire to please the other, and the fear that if I express myself, he will reject me and more.
The importance of verbal communication as part of the act of love is critical, because despite the model I presented of the three types of touch – still when a real person meets the model and begins to apply it, there are certain things that will work for him more and some less. Verbal communication is a necessary bridge to meeting. I understand that there is a myth that one does not talk in bed, but this myth does not serve us at all because when we do not say what is on our hearts and continue to cooperate with sexual conduct that is not accurate for us – we actually create a distance from the other and are not really present with them.
In addition, positive verbal communication in the sexual space (“I like it”, “I feel so loved when you touch me like that” and the like) strengthens the emotional connection and intensifies the love.