A little while ago I wrote a post that began with the words;
” For the last couple of days, I’ve felt a tremor of fear in my heart. Fear is a blessing…”
When I read the comments left by my readers, I realized that maybe it’s not entirely clear how fear can be experienced as a blessing.
So, allow me to explain:
When I was eight years old, for no evident reason, except for the violence that was the normal language in the house where I grew up, I felt fear at high intensity, I realized I was afraid of people. My tender young heart felt scratched, hurt, and threatened.
In those clear moments, I decided that I would dedicate my life to healing my heart – I already knew then that I don’t want to walk in the world with a fearful heart, I chose to love.
Over the years, this decision, to choose love over fear, became more refined, more perfected and the alliance between the heart and the ability to love deepened.
About four years ago I suddenly realized, through a repressed memory, that in my early childhood years I was severely sexually assaulted. I could not remember the details and for quite a while I couldn’t grasp or even imagine that it was even possible, but there it was, clear, transparent, and so, so, painful.
The last four years felt like grace, not because these years were easy, but because more and more of the puzzle pieces of my life started to become clear to me has the healing process unfolded.
In the last year I begun to feel the ripples of the recovery process. After many years of absence, a level of joy has returned to my life. Many basic daily activities have become simpler and easier like preparing nourishing food for myself; taking care of bureaucracy without unnecessary delays; delving deeper into my relationship to money which has always scared me, learning in my own pace, and in general I feel good most of the time, which is not obvious to me at all.
Maybe one day I will write more clearly about the hurt that came out and the abundance that came in.
I will return to the reason for the original post – Why fear is a blessing?
Through the healing process, I discovered the ability to recognize the levels of disconnect (dissociation) that existed within my body and in the emotional field. I realised how this function allowed me to hold and repress the hurt of the experience and how the disconnection supported my ability to function and survive in the world.
Now, as I look back, knowing what I went through, how I learned to believe in myself (a journey in itself), I notice that little by little the disconnection dissolves and gives way to connection.
When this happens, I open-up to feeling more of everything. Also fear.
In the last few days, as I was faced with all kinds of events simultaneously, fear arose, fear as a feeling in the body, a tremor in my heart.
Although it is not easy to contain, I now have many tools and I know how to be with the fear without reactivity or projection, to just feel it, breathe it, give it space inside me, and also to reach out, and ask for help when it’s too much.
Hence, I say; fear is a blessing, for me it is a better to feel fear than the feelings of disconnection, because when I am disconnected, I am not only disconnected from fear but also from more love and joy and pleasure that I can experience.
Thank you for the opportunity to put words to this inner delicate and sensitive experiences. Thank you for being here with me. Thanks for your listening, your questions and support.