There is a saying that when we lose someone we understand their value to us.

My mother was injured in a car accident and died on the spot 22 years ago. I was 26, she was 56.

From then until today my love for her grows every day, her presence is with me and I feel loved, protected and nourished by her.

Endless small and big moments of togetherness revolve in my consciousness, she was a caring mother, her children were her whole world. I want to say, still. The fact that she does not live in a body does not change the goodness she radiates, a high sensitivity is needed to feel it. Happily, I have such sensitivity.

My healing journey with my mother was mostly about expression. I’ve been angry with her over the years when she did not tell her whole truth especially in the relationship with my father and agreed to stay in a violent relationship that didn’t respect her and didn’t see her.

Many years after her death, I went to France to visit her brother, where I found out from conversations with him that there was a time when she filed for divorce and started proceedings with a lawyer, then gave them up because she felt a real threat to her life and the relationship with her children from my father.

I didn’t stop crying when I found out she did exactly what I wanted her to do, she wanted to leave.

There was a moment in the forest  where her brother lived that I sat on the ground and connected to her pure soul, it was a defining moment when all the stories I had about her fell away and only love remained. I could finally see her strengths, her efforts to give and stay sane and functioning in an insane and abusive marital reality.

There are many moments when I want to sit with her for coffee and tell her about my new discoveries about life, about my questions and doubts. I miss her.

She was the first woman who really listened to me, she was interested in every idea I had, and I had many. The wide-ranging philosophical – psychological – political – sociological point of view that accompanies me to this day was born through her listening. She didn’t negate anything I said, even if she didn’t always agree or understand what I said.

The moments that touched my heart the most were when she left her demanding job in the middle of the day (accountant at a bank) and came to school to hear me singing in ceremonies mainly, she saw me and loved me, and today I can also say that she taught me to love.

Beloved mother, yesterday you celebrated your birthday, and I like to feel the connection to you precisely on your birthday and not on the day of your death. Thank you for everything you are, thank you for what you gave, thank you for being a great and abundant spirit with a huge smile that will stay with me forever.

 love you